What type of name is K?
My dog is getting on my nerves.
Are Vespas right for a first date?

Mr. K,

What type of name is K? Is that your first name or your last name? And what makes you think that you're a chosen one who can give other people advice? If you're not even willing to trust us with your name why should we trust you with our personal questions?

Yours not so truly,

Blanding

Blanding,

It is true, my name is K, knightly in its bearing and noble in intent. Thank you for noticing and commenting on the fullness of what on the surface appears not to be there but in reality exists in the space between the letters. It is a name that conjures importance and subtlety like the silence between the notes of a tremendous symphony. As for advice, campanero, sometimes it's not such a good idea to pick on a person for having such a large nose when one's own beak squawks like a crow in comparison.

My blessings and goodwill to you, Sir.

K

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Dear K,

My dog is getting on my nerves. I've had it since my boyfriend and I broke up and moved out and Max is irritating the hell out of me. Why do you think he left him with me? When we were together he used to take care of him but now he's my responsibility. When I forget to take him out, he messes all over the place, and I have more crap to deal with than I first planned. What does this all mean? Does this give any hints at why he might have left me?

Anna

Anna,

First off, it's good your boyfriend moved out because clearly he was a game player. (Frankly you seem a bit confused yourself) Did you try Sweeties Doggie Dating Service? Sweetie might be the right avenue of attack on this one. As for your boyfriend, perhaps a few lashes with Max's dog leash will remind him of the reasons why you were together (some things are better left as good memories though). I'd spark up the scooter and get some of Max's energy worked out too. Get him out of the house once in a while…the dog park is a great place to meet people anyway. Always remember the three C's…they'll carry you through difficult periods every time.

Ride On Anna,

K

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Mr K,

Last week I showed up to take a first date out and I was driving my VESPA. It went all in the river at that point, she treated me like thinned out thirds, laughed in my face and said I had better get some advice on dating before I ask another girl out. So here I am. What am I doing wrong?

Yours truly,

Mr Big City Scooter

Mr Big City,

Are we in conversation here? Have you ever heard the saying "the firing is in the hiring?" Mistake number 1) You're choosing the women and they're not choosing you. You have first got to know that women always choose the men. You picked an apple when you should have been at the roller rink eating sundaes and holding open doors for old ladies. If this woman had been sympathetic to your cause there wouldn't have been a break down with your wheels. Mistake number 2) She didn't choose you BECAUSE of your wheels. If the scooter is your soul then get over it, it means she wasn't right for you. It's like going to a website and asking for dating advice and having a mechanic tell you how to fix your bike? Why get upset when you're talking different languages? Got it?

Now get rolling, amigo. Not all advice is free.

Go Heels,

K

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